Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
