Four minutes until I can fart!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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