We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
