It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
