As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize