I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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