In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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