I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
