My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
