All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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