thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
