Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
