she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
