I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
