my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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