Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize