no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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