i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
