Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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