the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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