what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
