my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
