I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
