theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
