Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
