2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
