just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
