I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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