there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
No stitches, just platelets and will power
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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