My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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