Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
