I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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