I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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