I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
