I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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