Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
