Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize