seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
