Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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