So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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