Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
