John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
