if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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