smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
