its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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