I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
