I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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