What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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