I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
