I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
