i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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