I'm eating all of the evidence.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
