ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
