i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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