hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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