Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
