Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
