I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
