Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
