just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
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