i wish starbucks made bloody marys
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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