i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
