don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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